Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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I can’t stop laughing at this
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Webb. James Webb.