My dream job is getting paid to dream
You Might Also Like
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
HR said no more nunchucks.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Actually cracking up @ this
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis