Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body