DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale