I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late