Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
the answer was staring at me all along
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out