You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
You Might Also Like
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security