“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
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I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me