Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Note to self: I am a note
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story