Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.