FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
You Might Also Like
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.