Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.