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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon