I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool