Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
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Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?