i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
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TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My birthstone is kidney
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.