Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Knock Knock
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.