At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
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me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks