Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
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*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle