Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent