When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!