Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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Gods work.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.