8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Breaking news:
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy