STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?