DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I’m Sold!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.