If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
You Might Also Like
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
A choir of Spring onions
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Expect the unexporcupine.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.