Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter