Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.