I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Worst perfume name ever.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.