one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
You Might Also Like
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
this is how life feels
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.