Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down