My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
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When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.