Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
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Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
decorating my apartment
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
sry
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.