I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
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ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha