You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
LMAO
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.