Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
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The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
the last thing a carrot sees
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
look at me when i’m typing to you
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!