Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
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[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.