Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Got ya covered
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”