*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
My daily affirmation
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
crying
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.