I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
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When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Anyone really
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Have kids, they said
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted