*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My birthstone is kidney
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe