oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
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Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Lol
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Finally, a door that understands me
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
(Jupiter –
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.