How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys