[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe Iâm a robot?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Calling a movie âPsychoâ ruins the surprise because you know thereâs going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called âNormal, Maybeâ
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Iâve never met a pizza I didnât want to get personal with.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Whatâs that, Lassie? Whereâs Timmy? The butcherâs? I hope youâre right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Ghost costume đ
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kidsâ stuffed animals into his bag*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: âWhat are you looking for?â
Him: âI donât know, but Iâm sure we donât have itâ
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman youâre drunk.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth donât let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, âYou know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?â And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.