just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“what that mouth do?” complain
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else