Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that