I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.