If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.