if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
what is cheese if not milk persevering