[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I’d use my best pan on you.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
So sick of all these stupid rules
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
#SaturdayBears
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!